|Guide to: Boys and Girls|
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"Guide to: Boys and Girls" is a season 3 episode of Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.
Part 1: Boys
Ned is depressed because Suzie moved to another state. He's so depressed, he says he'll never write any more tips again. So Cookie, Coconut Head, Martin Qwerly, and the other boys take Ned out for a day with the "men". Ned says he and Suzie were supposed to go a rose garden over the weekend. Cookie decides the best way to take his mind off of Suzie is to go to a manly place with no flowers in sight: the gym. Unfortunately, the gym has been taken over by the gardening club. The boys drag Ned out of the gym and down the hall.
Moze is approached by Evelyn in the hall, demanding to know why boys don't like her. Moze tells her she comes on too strong, and Evelyn incessantly begs Moze to teach her everything she knows about boys until she agrees. The boys try to get Ned to smash fruit with a baseball bat, but Ned barely makes any effort. Cookie steps in and motivates him, but when Ned smashes a grapefruit, it sprays into their eyes (except for Cookie, who's wearing glasses). He tries to make Ned write a tip about the experience but he just stumbles away.
Moze begins teaching Evelyn about boys in an empty classroom. The gardening club walks by and sees what's going on. They ask to join the class, since they want to learn about boys, too. Gordy has cleaned out the pictures of Suzie from Ned's locker, and Cookie asks him for help with cheering Ned up. Gordy takes five bucks from Cookie and tells the boys to follow him. He puts the five dollar bill on a piece of string and has Sweeney chase after it. He follows it through a classroom and out the open window, falling on top of them. Sweeney confronts Ned, but Ned is unresponsive. Sweeney asks Cookie if Ned is okay, and Cookie fills him in. Ned automatically goes to the principal's office to await his punishment.
In Moze's class, she encourages the girls to find common interests with the boys they like. They get impatient and ask for her to talk about kissing boys. Moze says they're getting ahead of themselves, and they call her a fraud. She gets the class back under control and continues. The boys use the gardening club's float for Arbor Day to take Ned on a trip of "tip-ness past". With the help of various students, they recreate parts of Ned's past that led to the creation of the Guide, and how much it's helped people. Ned finally decides to write a tip, but can't think of one. Sweeney suggests taking a ride to get the juices flowing, so Ned hops back on the Arbor Day float.
In Moze's class, the girls ask Moze to take them on a field trip to see a boy. One of the gardening club wants a boy to sweep her off her feet with flowers, but Moze tells her to be realistic and that it's likely that will never happen. Just then, the boys come by on the Arbor Day float. Cookie hits the brakes sharply and Ned is thrown off the float. Cookie thinks he's hurt, but he turns out to be totally fine, and he has an idea for a tip. The girls in Moze's class cling onto the boys who were riding the float, and Coconut Head says they need tips about girls.
- Tip#023.SPTB - Stuck on a project? Take a break or take a ride.
- Tip#152.NSA - Never sit around and be bummed, go out, and have fun.
Part 2: Girls
Ned is anxious for Suzie to call him once she gets settled. He realizes he has no tips on girls. Cookie tries to help, but Evelyn scares him into walking her to class. She tries to be polite, but just keeps yelling. Cookie finally admits he's clueless and needs tips badly. Moze offers to help Ned, but Ned plans to go to Gordy for girl advice. That is, until Gordy shocks himself on the job, and Ned changes his mind and goes with Moze. Cookie tries to get Moze to help him with Lisa, since girls are more relaxed around other girls. Ned says Moze is helping him and Cookie has to find someone else.
Moze has written her tips for Ned, who takes them to heart and decides to join choir to meet someone new. He bumps into Cookie, who is dressed like a girl and going by the name "Simone". He explains to Ned that he's going undercover to get close to Lisa and find out what she likes in a guy. However, when "Simone" sings in choir, her voice is very deep, and Cookie can't disguise it. Mr. Combover thinks "Simone" looks very familiar, but before he can say more, Gordy hammers the light switch, shocking himself again and causing the lights in the music room to go out.
Moze asks Ned if her tips helped, but he says no. He says his perfect girl is Suzie, but she's gone. Moze asks him what he looks for in a girl, and he lists a few traits. He says he'll know the girl when he sees her, because golden light will hit her just right, and a chorus of angels will sing. Just then, a light shines on Moze and a chorus sings. But Ned realizes that Gordy is just testing the lights, and Mr. Combover is directing the choir in the hallway until the music room is fixed. At lunch, "Simone" is about to approach Lisa, when she bumps into Loomer's motorcycle. Loomer is frustrated that he can't get his bike to start, so "Simone" makes a few suggestions. Loomer is impressed that she knows about cars, and develops a crush on her.
Moze tells Ned she got him dates with several girls. "Simone" gets to talk to Lisa, and finds out what a guy would have to do to get them to date. Lisa says she'd like it if a boy gave her chocolates and flowers. Now that Cookie has the information he needs, "Simone" has to move back to Washington. She walks by Loomer and his cronies arguing about basketball, and chimes in with some trivia before walking off. Moze tells Ned to try speed dating the girls she picked for him, but they're all duds. "Simone" is about to head into the locker rooms to change back into Cookie, but is stumped at which locker room to go into. Loomer sees "Simone" and talks to her, saying he wants to get to know the real her. "Simone" says he doesn't, and runs for it, leaving one of her shoes behind, which Loomer keeps.
Back in speed dating, none of the girls Moze picked work out. Moze tells him not to lose hope, and that his perfect girl is out there. Again, lights shine on her and a chorus sings, but again, it turns out to be Gordy and the choir. "Simone" manages to change back into Cookie in the janitor's closet, and has his chocolates and flowers ready for Lisa. He sees Loomer practically crying over "Simone"'s shoe. Feeling bad that Loomer is genuinely upset, he gives the flowers and chocolates to Loomer, saying they're from "Simone". Cookie takes the shoe back and Loomer eats the flowers.
Cookie asks Ned how speed dating went, and Ned says it was a bust. Ned describes his perfect girl again: funny, athletic, pretty, smart, has a great smile, is a good friend, isn't afraid to take charge once in a while, and he likes them on the tall side. Cookie says he just described Moze. Moze comes by, and again, lights shine on her and a chorus sings. Ned thinks it's Gordy and the choir, but Gordy says he fixed the lights and the choir is back in the music room. Just as Ned realizes what this means, Suzie calls him.
- Tip#306.GWSSN - Girls: They wear shoes on their feet and smell nice(erased tip).
- Tip#612.BYAG - Be honest and be yourself around girls.
- Tip#612.LMTL - When around girls: Listen more, talk less.
- Tip#612.NOAAG - NO FART-ANYTHING AROUND GIRLS.
- Tip#302.GIA - Get involved in activities that girls like.
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